No return…
I have rewritten this first "real journal entry” so many times now. Do I write it in present or past tense; do I address you, the reader, directly or not; how do I best describe my thoughts and feelings… I think I am procrastinating, knowing that it won't be easy to describe everything that has happened and especially my thoughts and feelings. Somehow it would be easier if everything had been simple and beautiful, if I had always been happy and creative…but real life is not like this, is it? I am so used to showing my strong, happy and confident self to the world, but there is also the other side.
And before I forget, I have decided to add an audio recording of me reading each blog post, so that you can follow along, even if you don't want to read everything. And it is nice to actually tell my story 😊.
So here we go…
On Wednesday the 15th of September, 2021, at 20:45, I took the speed-ferry from Denmark to Norway. I arrived in Kristiansand at 23:59. It was raining. I drove about 40 minutes to Mandal, a lovely town at the south coast of Norway, which I knew well from previous visits. And there I passed out…
I don't really remember much of the next day, except for the calming sound of the raindrops on my car roof. I think I slept most of the time.
The last months had been stressful with the divorce and all the preparations for this journey. I had been out for shorter trips during the summer (see image in last post), hoping to find out if I had forgotten anything or if there were things I needed to change. I had said goodbye to friends and family.
To the outside world I probably seemed just like any other person who was excited and eager to go and travel, but I felt very different inside. There were doubts and fears fighting with hopes and dreams. I had given up all my safety (except for a part-time online job) for an unknown future. For the first time in my life I did not know where I was going or what I was going to do, literally and metaphorically.
The ferry had been the only thing I had booked. And I knew that I wanted to visit Mandal and especially Lista and its lighthouse. Back in 2009, after my first and most severe burn-out, I had stayed in this part of Norway for 3 months to recover. Those months had saved my life.
When I woke up the next morning, the sun was peeking through the clouds, and I went for a lovely walk around the forest to the viewing point on top of the cliffs and along the beach into town for some grocery shopping. As my mind was still occupied with thoughts about the past months, I decided to drive on to Lista Fyr where I hoped to find some rest and peace.
But reading the intro to this post, you probably already guessed that it was not that easy to find the rest and peace I had hoped for. I arrived at the lighthouse and immediately took a little walk around, visiting all the places where I had spent so many hours watching the sea and listening to the birds back in the autumn of 2009. Then I had a nice picknick and left…
The place had changed a little - making it more accessible for tourists and birdwatchers - but that was not why I left again so quickly. It also wasn't the grey skies or the fact that it was (only) quite empty. I had met one man who was bird-watching and we had exchanged some friendly words. All of this was actually more a reminder of the weeks I had spent here before. This beautiful place would always be special for me, but I realized that it was part of my past, a magical memory, and not a part of my future. I did not take any photos at the lighthouse, because I felt that they would never be able to do that memory justice. It is a memory I have so deep in my heart that it does not need any photos.
So I moved on.
It was already afternoon and I knew a little cove with a boat-landing a little further up the coast where I could spend the night. When I arrived there was one other car, whose owners were out fishing and later set up their tent, and another van arrived after me. There was enough space for all of us to enjoy an amazing sunset.
Lista, Norway, September 2021