Little did I know that writing the blog post about ’Finding my Focus’ beginning of the year would result in a long phase of deep reflections which basically lasted until 2 weeks ago. I had been so sure that I had it all figured out that I was not really prepared for that. There wasn’t anything wrong with that post or the content but writing it down and sharing it with you all, I suddenly felt trapped and something in me rebelled. That rebellion came in the form of complete loss of interest in any of the things I wanted to do, I could not even get myself to take up my camera or put some film in. Writing was out of the question and so were all the other things I wanted to do. It was like my soul, my inner child, had gone on a hunger strike, trying to starve my creativity.
In addition there have been some health issues (family and myself) and to be very honest the sudden realisation that for the first time in my life I actually had a financial problem – for my photography it meant that there simply was no money left for some of the things I wanted to do like finishing my darkroom, which is in urgent need of ventilation and dust proofing, and a few other things. Accepting this took me quite some time but finally I have made a few tough decisions (some of them of course together with my partner as they affect our life together) and hope that this will give me at least some more time trying to establish a small income from my photography and mentoring but even more important will help me to free my creativity again and there I can already see the first positive effects.
I was sure that starting my business 2 years ago would not impact my creativity and admitting to myself that it already had was difficult. It was not that I was making images with the business in mind (which I had expected so I had been prepared for that) but instead I had started to simply not allow myself to just be creative anymore, trying to force myself to think of the business instead. So understanding that for me business and creativity will have to go hand in hand was essential. I am my work and my work is I – and this way I cannot fail even if at one point I will have to accept that it might not pay for the bills. Don’t get me wrong, I am not giving up but I will focus on my work and the things I love first…all the rest will come or not. I love being creative, I love sharing with others and ‘teaching’ and I don’t want to limit myself.
So we are actually back to my focus points for this year but this time they are backed up by a clear vision. My focus will be on creating work and sharing my thoughts and ideas, hopefully inspiring and helping others – be it here on my blog or during my mentoring program which is now officially ready for pre-bookings ;-). This is also one reason (apart from saving money for the additional website) why I have decided to combine my blog and website (portfolio) because they belong together.
The rest I will leave to chance…
”Fate is inexorable” – using the words of Uhtred, one of my favourite book characters – or is it?