I noticed this morning that I seem to feel a need to write mainly when I am feeling ‘dark’ so I would like to apologize to all of you who follow this blog. Be assured that it only reflects a small part of who I am – but hopefully more of that on a brighter day 😉 . I will also continue to share my journey with you – but also not today.
Today is not a bright day. Through the windows I can see a grey and wet morning and I hear the wind howling which I usually quite like but today it only seems to enhance the sadness I feel inside.
I wanted to stay in bed, hiding not only from the world and reality but also from my dreams and hopes and maybe I would have if I had not been pushed out of bed by 3 cold and wet dog noses. Thank you, Darwin, Rajka and Arawn 😉
Today is one of those days where I wonder if self-doubt is not simply an excuse to ignore reality.
Over the last few weeks I had to face reality as my husband is starting his own business and I do all the finances, controlling and accounting (back to the roots of my ‘real’ education). So I also had to look at the reality of my own little company and sparing you the details I just want to say that it is not rosy. That is when the self-doubt tried to distract me again…’oh, my work isn’t good enough’…ah, that is just self-doubt so let’s continue as before…but wait!
What if this is reality? What if I will simply never be able to cover my basic cost, not even talking about being able to make at least a tiny living from my art? What if there are simply not enough people who would like to buy any of my books or prints or start a mentoring program? Just looking at prints as an example, as I have offered them since I started the business – I had exactly 2 customers who bought prints.
Of course I feel incredibly happy and am so thankful to anyone who did buy a print or a book (some even got both books 🙂 ) or started the mentoring program – you guys are wonderful! I am also still amazed by all the opportunities I got to share my ideas and work in interviews or articles – thank you from the bottom of my heart! Just in case you were wondering, none of my interviews or articles would have happened if I had not been contacted – so an extra big thank you to those who saw something in my work and gave me a chance.
What is also a fact is that I love my work, I love every image, every poem, every book. Some are better than others which is normal as we are all learning and improving constantly, but they are all mine. I love creating and could not imagine my life without it.
Now I feel I have reached a crossroads and suddenly the path ahead is not clear anymore. There is of course good advice everywhere…’you need to get better at marketing’, ‘maybe you should do portraits’, ‘have you thought about finding a gallery’, ‘how about stock photography’ – and I have given the same advice to myself and others and theoretically it is all correct.
I can also hear my coaching self telling me that if I really wanted to I would do all of that – and if I don’t do these things it would seem that I don’t want it enough. But maybe that is where the real problem is – what is this ‘it’? What is it that I really want? Our society and especially the business world favours the extroverts, the people who like to be out there, who have no or at least fewer problems promoting themselves and their work – and don’t get me wrong, I admire ‘you’ but I will never be one of ‘you’ and that is also a fact as it would mean to change who I am.
So who am I and what do I really want? The answer is, I don’t know – not today at least…but maybe tomorrow…